And there it was again, the horrid feeling

Yes, I am sure there is someone who understands what I'm talking about.
I am exhausted, depressed and sick.
Lately I have been working a lot, and I have been getting more and more depressed. Although I don't look like I am depressed, I still am. I have learned how to conceal it from the world. I don't like being looked at like I am weak.
The feeling you get when you don't manage to do something, that is one of the feelings I have. I feel like I cant do anything, and that I suck at everything. I hate myself, I hate the way I look, I hate that I cant do anything without fucking it up.
I have never been happy with myself, and I have never complimented myself. I am not worth it.
I have complexes about everything. I hate my face, my breast, my thighs, my belly, my feet, my fingers, my arms, my toes, my hair, my my weight etc... The only thing I am happy with are my eyes! But still, it does not help to have beautiful eyes, when the rest of me is ugly as hell...

I am in a viscous circle. Like if I am unhappy, then I tend to eat, when I eat, I gain weight, when I gain weight, I get fat, when I'm fat, I get unhappy, and then I eat...etc
I think I am in more than just one viscous circle. I have one for my weight, one for my mind, one for my clothes etc.

I am not suicidal, but I do hate myself. I am quite extreme... I like cutting my arms, cause it makes the pain I have elsewhere, go away. But right now, I cant do that, cause I have work, and then its easy to see, and then I´ll get questions about it. And I think children should not be exposed to my psychological problems. So now I am like a bubble, ready to explode, and who knows what will happen when it finally does. I wont even think about it.
What would you do if I fell in front of a bus?

You may say I am a cutter, but I cant help it. I am not saying I like doing it, I say its a necessity. Its my way of handling stuff. Along with music, but sometimes cant music do it for me.
I know my friends hate that I do it, and trust me, I'm trying not to do it. But its so hard when it has been my solution to everything, and then its not allowed more.

Would you come to my funeral? Would you miss me?

And I am sick... I have been sick for quite a while now, and I am fed up with running nose, coughing, sneezing, tired etc..